Parenting from joy

Simplicity

2010-05-24T13:58:00.001-07:00

Maybe it’s just our female nature but many of us including myself make things so complicated that it’s hard to undo all the ties. I know life can be tough and it can bring many challenges. With it complexity life also can be simple and easy. I have noticed how easy my days are when I don’t worry, when I take one project at the time and when I simply don’t answer the phone and when I choose when to sit down in front of my computer. It took a while to train my body not to jump every time the phone rang or to walk towards my beloved laptop every morning. Maybe it’s a client, maybe it’s my best friend, maybe I will miss something if I don’t answer phone or check my email. The phone as well as many wonderful electronic toys in our live are here to serve us not to control our behavior and not to make ourselves dependent on them.

Today life is simple, I smelled the fresh cut grass, I didn’t worry about the big workshop coming up, I played with my daughter on the floor, I made butterflies and stars from paper, I am going for a run now. I will answer all my calls in just few hours, there is nowhere to rush. Life is an experience. Create your own. Don’t let anyone do it for you.

another thought about tantrums

2010-05-06T11:48:00.001-07:00

I ask my clients how they handle their child's tantrum and it inspired me to write more about it. It is a charged topic, I know many parents who turn into books in search of answers. Don't get me wrong, I love books, there so many incredible books written about parenting but one thing you can't find in the books is your unique answer. There isn't a universal formula that we can apply to each child and family. The beauty and mystery is that each family is so unique and each child is unique and each child brings a different perspective into this world and into their family. So how do we approach a tantrum and stop it? The answer lies within each one of us as parents.

Let's start from the beginning. What is a tantrum and why is it so bad? I personally don't think there is nothing wrong with throwing a tantrum. We label it as a bad behavior and usually when we talk about tantrum, we mean children as if adults never throw them. I think adults throw more tantrums than children, it's just expressed differently. Perhaps, there is something wrong in the child's universe and there is a need to be frustrated and there is a need to express. Unlike adults, children are very present and they are very open. If they are happy, they express it through play, if they are unhappy, they scream as loud as they can, if something bothers them, they throw tantrums. If a tantrum is in public, it's even worse because now a parent is dealing with public's judgment (good or bad). If a parent trying to force strong values and belief systems on a child, usually these children throw more tantrum, it's their way of resisting it. Jean Leidloff observed natives in South America and one thing she noticed right away that their children don't throw tantrum, they seem to be very happy children. After living there for a while, she noticed that they also allow their children to be who they are without changing anything about them. They recognize the uniqueness of each child's spirit and allow a child to develop his/her own sense of reality, understand the values in their own unique way. Strong values means no change, it means this is how it is. No movement. It tells children what is good and what is bad. It's space of no change. Meantime, children and childhood is a dynamic space. Childhood is a ever-changing event. Child is different from last week, every new parent knows that. They change so fast and by the time, we catch up to them and know what they like, they change again. So, to be a parent, it requires you to be present, be willing to be flexible, to look within, to learn and respond to your child differently each time she/he changes. Parenthood is really about change, openness, flexibility and expansion of our universe.

In order to deal with a tantrum, you must be present and know your child. Is she throwing a tantrum to control or is there really something that needs to be addressed right now?. Imagine a tantrum as a space where your child has lost himself/herself. Sometimes, the best way to deal with it, is allow your child to be there and give them space to find themselves, sometimes, it requires to hold them, sometimes, it's best to make a play out of it. I find that when I make a play out of her tantrum, it's simply goes away and now we are playing. Play is what children do and love, because play has no outcome, it just simply is. Play is being present, play doesn't lead to anything, play is imagination and wonder, play has no judgment. Play is an ongoing process of experience and discovery.

To deal with tantrums, we should deal with them from the space of play. Approaching parenting as play will release us from cultural and family expectations, it will release us from predetermined values and pressures of the society.

Daydreaming

2010-03-31T10:54:00.001-07:00

I understand that the job of a parent is to make sure our children are socially acceptable, to teach them how to interact and be social and most of all to be successful in life (whatever that means for them). I also watch my daughter to do things that are out of social acceptance and expectations. The agenda of the day is what to do when she announces that the toy belongs to her or when she decides that she is going to make inhuman voices or when she is in her dream space not being responsive. I think every parent can testify that children go to a place full of imagination, wonder and dreaming, it’s a real world with real friends and animals and play. They are day dreaming. I also notice how that seems to be a problem in our society, allowing children to daydream. Nowadays, they even created drugs that can take your child out of this space of imagination and magic. Recently, a parent was complaining to me about his son’s school. They told her to get him on drugs because he wouldn’t sit still for 3 hours. He is not even 5 years old. I don’t know about you but as a 5 year old, I was running in the grass everyday, climbing trees, watching the sky move, playing, destroying, creating, finding news species of insects, sometimes eating dirt, tasting the chalk and dreaming. My mom still tells me to come down from the clouds. No thanks. It’s too much fun in here.

When did we start expecting 5 year old to be still, to be reasonable and serious? Yes, we want our children to succeed in life and that means to play the social rules, to get good grades, a good education but can we allow our children to be children? Let them dream. Next time you see your child absorbed in his little world, take a step back and let them dream because those moments of wonder are not just passing moments, they shape the way child understands the world around and what’s her place within this world. They are using their imagination to create their reality. So what do I do when my daughter starts making inhuman noises in the public? I laugh. I let her be because she will get it out of her system and will jump into a new experience.

Today a 3 year old and a the 31 year old are holding hands, walking down the street, enjoying the sun, talking nonsense, using their imagination, making funny noises and daydreaming.

judgment

2010-03-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

I write about judgment a lot, I am not sure why. Perhaps, I see it in every aspect of our lives. We have been taught to place a judgment on everything, from clothes, to behavior, towards the weather, the person sitting next to us etc. I also notice that as parents, we tend to jump to judgment when dealing with our children. We were in the playground when a child came to me and told me that my daughter is not a good person. I was shocked. I was hearing this sentence from a 4 year old. When did 4 year old children start judging instead of dreaming, playing and being children? Let's not forget that children simply mimic our behavior. If they see their parents judge someone, they are going to do the same. And the pattern continues.

Sometimes, we forget how sensitive children are, they are very connected to both worlds and very sensitive to their environment and the energy in that space. You may smile and tell your child that everything is OK but they know if something isn't. Same way with judgment. There is no need to say anything but if you are judging your child, it affect them immediately and they are more likely to rebel and resist. Usually with younger children it comes out in a form of a tantrum and misbehavior.

My daughter has a strong character and she is not shy about being aggressive and take things from other children. As a parent, it's my job to teach her about manners, not hitting, being police and being socially acceptable. When I see her do something she is not supposed to do, I also notice the urge to judge. I take a moment, take a deep breath and I center myself and deal with her from the space of calm and seniority. It's not about punishment or judgment. Parenting is a communication space and a space to be present and mindful. To be mindful also means to be aware and neutral to what's going on around you, there is no judgment, there is only a present moment to be, to witness your thoughts, feelings, impulse to judge and so on. Presence allows us to see that parenting is a spiritual path filled to joy, tears, frustration, sometimes anger and so on. We practice being present when we ask ourselves, where am I right now? Why am I so upset about this? Where do I hold this pain in my body? What triggered me? Does this have to do anything with my parents and my childhood? How can I release it and be more present and gentle to myself?

Now take a deep breath and be present. Through presence, we are able to practice the art of centering and we are able to access our own spiritual information as parents rather than dealing with children from our automatic habits learned from our family and society.

Trust your intuition and trust you instincts.

Struggle, not struggle, struggle, not struggle, what to do

2010-03-15T00:16:00.000-07:00

I was asked a great question today. What are my struggles this week? At first, a million things came to mind, my daughter doesn't want to listen to me, work has been crazy busy, I don't have enough time for myself, and I am sure I could find at least another 10 things I struggled today.
I started to think about this word and to me struggle means hardship, frustration, sometimes not knowing what's next.(I really should look up and see what the dictionary says. Perhaps, in the morning )
I realized that I haven't struggled today, I have been dealing with life, having fun, almost crying a couple of times, working hard and creating new projects for my workshops, playing at the beach, watching really bad kids cartoons and making puzzles.
It's about how you approach what's in front of you. If you see it as a struggle, you will create more struggle, if you see it as a problem, you will be problem solving all day possibly without any results.
Maybe I am crazy but I don't mind dealing with tantrums, doing the dishes, paying bills, listening to my friends complain without giving any advice. Struggle? Sometimes. When I see myself stressed, I know I am in a struggle mode. All I have to do is take a deep breath, close my eyes and meditate for few minutes or hours if I have the luxury, clear everyone's demand for my attention out of my space and then a miracle happens. I realize that I don't really have any problems, I am simply dealing with life and all the surprises it brings us every day. I chose Not Struggle for the time being. I am sure I will switch to struggle mode at some point tomorrow and hope I will be aware of it.

Fun morning

2010-03-09T14:53:00.003-08:00

For me most mornings are associated with rushing, getting ready, making breakfast, making sure everyone is OK and ready to leave the house to be socially acceptable. Those mornings where I am rushing to get everything done create stress and an illusion that there is not enough time to accomplish everything. I wanted to step away from the morning madness and start a day with playfulness and enthusiasm, rather than dreading my to do list.

This morning, instead of rushing to the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine or jump into the next item in my to do list, my daughter and I simply crawled into the couch, read a couple of books, did some spelling and had about 10 minute bubble fun. Who thought that making bubbled in the morning can be so much fun? We changed the energy of the day. Hurry is an energy that we fuel the body, playfulness is another vibration we can fuel the body yet what a difference it makes.

We took the playfulness into the kitchen and chopped strawberries and bananas for the oatmeal, admired the process of water boiling and laughed when she spilled some strawberries on the floor. Consequence was a fun morning, joyful breakfast and she couldn't be happier to go the daycare. We even had enough time to take picture of her new outfit for the grandparents.

It's really about what kind of energy you are running in the body. If you want get everything done perfectly or if you are rushing to get things done, it may create tension and stress in your body . I believe that we can accomplish even more when we are not stressing the body with demands and when we are running such a light energy as playfulness. Children know a lot about the energy of play. I think it's OK to match them from time to time. It truly make things easier and more fun.

Now, I am writing and even though I lost my first article and had to write another one, I am calm and full of enthusiasm about what today is going to bring into my doorsteps.

Tantrums

2010-03-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

I have noticed that when there is a mother with a child in public, everyone's attention goes towards them. We like to watch them and place judgments "he is a good father or she is not a good mother etc" We do it everyday. We place judgments on everything every day. Many people even watch really TV and thrive by judging others. Judgment is a very popular thing we do daily. Even if it's unspoken, people can feel it. Children are very sensitive to it and will always react to it sometimes by throwing a tantrum, resisting it, crying and doing something not socially acceptable.

I was standing in the line at the coffee shop when a mother with a year old walked in. Everyone's eyes were on the kid and on the mother. Sometimes it seems there is a parent police in the public. We tend to forget that children are very sensitive and very aware of energy. When everyone is placing their attention on them, very often they don't like it. There is too much energy and attention on them. Even some adults don't like to be in the center of attention in the middle of coffee shop where they don't know anyone. Back to my story, he started to cry and wanted to get out of the stroller and go outside. Meantime, the mother who is also under surveillance is trying to make sure he doesn't lose it and throw a tantrum in public. What would all these people think? Unconsciously, we tend to place a pressure on the mother and on the child. If a mother cares what other people think about her, he will compromise herself to make sure the child isn't crying. She will take him outside (not that it's a problem), she will try to talk to him and explain why he needs to stay calm, she will do anything to prevent a tantrum. Why? What's wrong with a child throwing a tantrum. I don't think there is anything wrong. It's just our society has placed a negative judgment on it and as parents, we react to it.
Tantrums. We tend to view them as a problem. A perfect child never throws tantrum according to some people. I had an opportunity to meet parents who wanted their 3 year to sit still for 4 hours. In their universe, a good child sits still and never throws a tantrum.
I suggest viewing a tantrum NOT as a problem but as an event where the child is not himself/herself. She has lost herself and lost her space. As a parent, our job is to help them find themselves and their truth Not punish them for a tantrum. Tantrum is not a problem, tantrums start from placing too much attention on them, asking them to do too much, placing too many expectation on children and they rebel. Sometimes, children throw tantrums because the adults around are not present and are not being in charge. Even though children like to control parents, especially after 2 years old and like to be in charge, they are still children and their bodies don't have enough information to handle everything. If a child is in charge, he will melt down, if a parent is not present, she will scream to bring the parent into the present time.
Tantrum is their way of expression and communication, it's a way of releasing the energy that has been placed in their space. Giving them space and permission to express will release the energy and will give a child space to find himself. As my daughter says after a loud scream or a tantrum "I am better now mommy"
Now, take a deep breath or two, notice your body, notice if you are centered and present in the body. Parenting is a space where we grow, we learn to communicate, we learn to be present and in charge while giving our children the space to be themselves. Don't worry about what others are saying, whispering to one another. Simply recognize that your own family is unique and how you handle your each child is going to be unique. Don't allow other people expectations or demands to dictate your next move and your truth in parenting.

A new space

2010-02-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

As a working mom, I am constantly in touch with Internet, my phone which I love so much, I am in constant communication with clients and I also guilty of spending time in Facebook doing nothing.
Today, I have destroyed my phone, not intentionally. Instead of running to At&t to get a new one, I decided to spend the day away from Internet and phone. I started to look around, I spend 3 hours at the beach with my family enjoying the beautiful weather and playing with waves, writing on the sand, counting endless seashells and flying a kite for the first time in my life. I was aware of the "need" to check my email, to post something unnecessary and silly on Facebook. What are my friends up to? What if a client called? Soon my attention went to the sounds of ocean and I remembered. I remembered how much I like to be still, how much I love the nature and the arguing ocean, the sky, the clouds and how beautiful San Francisco is. It resulted in a happy me, a happy mommy and a happy family. I noticed that my daughter has been singing all day and she is not requiring my constant attention. She is happy and content just to be around us. I know it's because I am not obsessed with my computer or a project or if there is a new application for Iphone. My energy is calm and she is calm. If she needs my attention, she will come to me and I am HERE.
Do you ever wonder why kids would touch the very thing you don't want them to touch. It's because you have placed your attention on the object rather than yourself. If they need you, they go where you have placed your attention. Today, let's practice separating ourselves from the world of technology and recognize each other as spirits, let's shower ourselves with our own attention. So if you want to get your nails done, please do. If you want to do yoga, go ahead. Golf game? Why not?
Happy Sunday!

Being Present

2010-02-27T00:21:00.000-08:00

As humans, we get spread out everyday, we spread our attention at work, we worry about paying bills, what's for dinner, what's going on politically, there is so much stimulation everyday in our lives that we literally have to spread ourselves between tomorrow, yesterday, endless to do lists. On the other side, children are always in the present moment, they are not concerned with tomorrow, what happened 2 hours ago, they are simply present every moment and they are observing, learning and interacting with their environment in the present time. Being present also means being in communication with the body, it means that children are in touch with themselves and their bodies.
As parents who are busy, working, teaching, cleaning, cooking, planning the future is hard to stay in the present moment and listen to our bodies and what the body is telling us. We are always busy running from one event to others, from one thought to another, we are constantly in communication with people and giving to ourselves usually is the last thing on the menu. Of course, the consequence is overwhelm, stress and non existent patience with a child.
Imagine, being in the environment where everything flows easily, effortlessly, you are grounded and present. No stress. No overwhelm. No worries. Imagine being in the present moment and communicating with your child in the present. Dealing with an issue or a tantrum in the present moment and move on, deal with another scream from the space of calm and stillness and move on.
Now take a deep breath parents and notice your body. Pay attention to your breath without changing anything. As you bring your attention to your body, it will bring yourself in the present time. Keep breathing, notice the sky, notice your feet, smell the food and BE present to what surprises a day can bring in your doorstep.

learning to laugh

2010-02-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it's so easy to be frustrated as a parent.We have house chores, work, bill to pay, responsibilities and to do lists where you can't even see the end. It seems that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. We want to do the best of our children, we want to be the best for our children and we want to teach them about the world around them and how to interact with it. But sometimes we forget that they are their own unique individuals who want to experience things also, even if we don't approve of it. I notice that my daughter is very attracted to some behavior that we don't approve of. She will observe these children in the playground, at the day care, in the streets and will try to imitate them. I guess, I shouldn't say try, she does. If I try to stop it, things get worse and more frustrated. So I learned to allow her to have her experience while I can simply BE and DO what feels good to me. The beauty of it is that because she has permission to experience a new energy, a new behavior, she doesn't get stuck on it for too long. She gets back to being herself and she moves on to a new adventure.
Children don't learn by listening or us telling them to what to do, they learn my watching us, by imitating. I can't expect my daughter to behave certain way if I am not acting according to what I preach. I learned not to place expectations upon her but simply show her social rules of engagement by acting. Frustrations fade away because as a mother I am simply BEING not EXPECTING. I am being in charge and showing her by my own behavior. The miracle happens. She response with joy and enthusiasm and we create a healthy, happy environment to grow, to change and to experience.
Just like my 3 year says "Don't worry mommy, just smile and laugh"

Perfection or growth?

2010-02-03T11:38:00.000-08:00

As parent, it is very normal to get overwhelmed and stressed. Demands of life and responsibilities bring more stress and more frustration into our parenting space. The question is "Why so much overwhelm and demand as parent, where is the joy in parenting?"
Stress and overwhelm usually happens when we try to do everything perfectly, when we try to please others before we even have the chance to look into the mirror in the morning. The truth is we can't do everything perfectly because perfection leads to static, perfection is non-movement. More we try to get to the point of perfection, more we get stuck and hence more stress. There are also many expectations from us as parents; people expect us to have our children behave at all time, our families place their own expectations upon us as a new family, moms expect their daughter to raise their children just the way they did it etc. So very often we spend most of our creative energy trying to fit within this expectations and we forget about our own intuition and information.
Family is not about having the house clean at all time, make sure everything is perfect, dinner is ready on time everyday etc. Family space is certainly not about being a perfect wife or husband, a perfect parent. Daily routines and activities are very important; cooking is a very creative space and cleaning has its own satisfaction but when we try to do it perfectly or from a space of overwhelm, it becomes a chore and another thing on our to do list that we don't really want to do but have to.
Family is space of growth and play. There should be permission to play, to laugh, to cry, to have tantrums,to break objects, to make mistakes, to have new experiences and to be who you want to be. As we grow and change so will our family space. There is always movement and change in this space. Allow it to be what it is, a space of movement and growth. Be in the present moment, be grounded and don't forget to have fun.

Parenting from joy: Joys of parenthood

2009-12-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

Parenting from joy: Joys of parenthood

Joys of parenthood

2009-12-23T23:12:00.000-08:00

I find that when I am open to new experiences with my daughter, days are full of joy and fun and play and I get to accomplish most things. Days when I consumed by work, household responsibilities, the urge to write etc, I find myself in the narrow box of demands, deadlines and stress. My patience is non-existent and I can't wait to get her home and let her watch a cartoon for 30 minutes while I finish the "big" responsibilities and play being an adult. The truth is that it doesn't work, she won't leave me alone, her voice gets louder and more annoying and the only thing left is outbursts of anger and frustration. Within this box, there is only one road. That is to accomplish the task, the to do list of the day and the only obstacle on this road is the child who needs my constant attention.
When you step out the box, the world of wonder and imagination opens to you and you can allow your day to unfold rather you trying to control every second of the day. The key is being present. Children are always in the present moment, to try to talk to them about what happened yesterday or what's going to happen 2 weeks from now doesn't matter. They are present with their bodies, they have the capacity to listen to their bodies and be with it. Something you can learn from them. If there is an issue or a tantrum, it must be dealt right there in that moment. Trying to speak about later at home doesn't work. To speak the language of children is to be present, to be open and to be grounded. There is only the moment of now, there is only joy in parenting.

"bad parent"

2009-12-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

I experienced my first “I am not such a good mom” moment crossing the street in San Francisco when stroller’s wheel got caught on something and stroller fell to the side with the baby in it. Don’t worry, nothing happened to the baby but at that moment, the whole world stopped. I remember getting everything back together when I noticed that no one was moving, all the eyes were on me. I could hear their thoughts “She should have been more aware”, “I can’t believe she did that, poor kid”, “What’s wrong with her? Why is she not paying attention?” etc. I blushed and continued my way home feeling guilty that my baby had to kiss the asphalt in the middle of the street in front of many people.
We live in a society where we love labeling everything, from products, foods, government, events, weather and people including our children. Everything has a value on it, it’s either good or it’s bad. As we communicate with others, our conversations are based on placing value on things. I didn’t like this driver, I really enjoy the weather etc and we are not shy to place our judgments on people. Just look at the tabloids and magazines talking about celebrities, our nation thrives on judgment. It brings me to the topic of this article, being a bad mother. After all being a “bad” mother is the worst crime you can commit.

Over the years I witnessed many mothers feeling guilty, having the feeling of "being a bad mother" and questioning themselves if they are doing the "right" thing or not.I remember growing up I was always taught that being a mother is the most responsible and serious job of all. When you are a mother, there is no room for mistakes, no space for failure.You have to be ON at all times; don’t even bother to think about yourself and try to have fun. I was taught that when you have a baby, you no longer matter and you are expected to do everything perfectly. As our family, culture and society places the expectations upon us as parents, often we feel compelled to meet these unreasonable demands and expectations to be the perfect parent and we struggle. The game changes from having fun and enjoying the space of motherhood to a challenge. It’s not unusual to hear how hard being a parent is. I hear moms and dads talk about how hard it is to be a parent all the time at the playgrounds. Being a mommy turns into effort and becomes hard work. Rather then BEING, we are DOING. We try to fit in within the cultural and social demands and expectations; our babies must behave at all times, they are not allowed to be loud, they are supposed to share their toys, no tantrums (especially in the public); we have to make sure they don’t get dirty and the list goes on. Of course children do all of that especially in public and they “humiliate the parent”. Am I a bad parent because I don’t respond to my child’s every cry? Am I a bad mother because I allow her to scream as loud as she can? Am I a bad mother because I allow her to run around and explore and be wild and be fearless? Am I a bad mother because I don’t believe in flu shots? Am I a bad mother because I laugh (as I am taking her away from the crime scene) when my daughter tries to open other kid's presents or when she fights over a toy?
A friend of mine referred me to her friend to come for a clairvoyant reading and got a surprising answer. Her friend remembered me and my “wild” child from an event and her respond was that she can’t go to someone who is a bad mother. “Her child was running everywhere and she was out of control, that’s not how children behave in my family” was her response. She saw me as a bad mother and because I am a “bad” mother, I can’t be a professional.
I am also aware that there are many parents who don’t take care of their children, who do not love, who deserve to stay away from their children but I am talking about our own self inflicted judgments about ourselves and what kind of parents we are supposed to be.
How about a parent who is present and who is capable of laughing when his child makes a scene in the street, how about a parent who understands that other people’s opinion doesn’t matter, a parent who knows that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is only you and what’s happening within your inner world. If you think you are not doing such a good job being a parent, look within and find the voice. Perhaps, you are simply trying to please everyone and you are trying fit within cultural expectations and perhaps, you are being hard on yourself. Sometimes, you will lose your temper and that’s OK, sometimes you will lose your patience and that’s OK, sometimes you will want to run away from your children and that’s OK, sometimes you will miss your child so much that when you see her next time, you will hold her tight until she runs away from you, sometimes, you would want to spend all day with your children and it wouldn't be enough.
We simply do our best and we are simply human.

2009-10-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

I am amazed every day how much children absorb and learn from the environment they are in. There is nothing they miss, every event, every emotion, every thought, every TV program or a cartoon, every person has an impact on our children and their development. Yes, children pick up and learn a lot from us and from the environment but they also have their own information and experience as spiritual beings. I had an opportunity to play with a 4 year old recently who shared a profound wisdom and understanding. She said “I am going to be 5 years old and then 6, 7, 8, my mom’s age, my grandma’s age and then I am going to die to be a spirit and then I will be a baby again”
As adults, we ask the questions such as “who am I?” “Where am I heading?” “What’s my truth?” Answers to these questions require from us to go within, to explore our inner landscape, to get to know ourselves. As we teach our children about the wonders of outer world, we also can gently invite them to look within their inner world and learn how to find their own answers. The most important question is how we help children to go within and to know themselves.
Children start learning about the world around through play, interaction, exploration and they notice everything about their environment. They participate, they fight for a toy, they hug each other, they play in the water, in the dirt or sand and they also experience the world through touch, smell, and taste as young children. As they grow, they start asking very important questions such as “where did I come from?”, “who am I?” and “where am I going?” I was talking to a mom who wanted me to meet her child because he was asking questions about spirituality and where came from. Children just like us, want to know themselves and their truth. We help them to go within, explore their inner world by creating a safe environment full of permission to explore, to play, to imagine and to experiment, to express. We also need to find the capacity within to accept our children just the way they are, to accept them for who they are and not try to change anything. The purpose of being a mindful parent is to show your child how to define himself authentically within the world we live in, to help create a relationship with the outside world as well as to know his place within the world. Parenting is not to impose prefabricated definition of the world but to allow your child to create his own definition of the world around him.
To help our children to explore their inner world, we can start posing the right questions and give them space to find their answers. Questions such as "Why do you think this girl is crying?" "Where in your body do you feel discomfort?","What does you body tell you right now?", "What do you think about this event?","Can you be in 2 places the same time?","What would you like to do in this situation?"," Would you like to help?" etc
Through asking questions, we can invite them to pay attention to what's happening to their bodies, invite them to pay attention to their feelings, emotions, we can invite them to reflect and find their own answers.

Freedom to play

2009-10-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is only my observation but we live in a culture where everyone wants to be in control. In a way we are becoming control freaks. Unfortunately, our attempts to control our environment, children, even significant others creates struggles in our day to day activities. When we are busy trying to control every aspect of our lives, we forget about being playful and silly.
If you ever have an opportunity to watch children, you will see that they learn about the world through play. Fredrick Froebel, the creator of kindergarten, emphasized that play is very much a spiritual activity; it is the self-active representation of our spiritual nature. Play gives children space to find and define themselves, to explore and use their imagination and creativity in the physical body.
Do you give yourself and you child a space to be playful? Today, create time and space for yourself and your child, forget about the responsibilities, work, bills, dinner and allow your inner child to come out. BE playful, BE present and have fun.

Irina G.
www.clairvoyantcounseling.com

7 ways to release stress

2009-09-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

Stress is dominating our lives, we are stressed about economic situation, we are stressed about our work, relationships, responsibilities etc. Stress has become a big part of our lives and vocabulary. Here are few tips to release it.

1. Don’t avoid it; deal with it in the present moment. If you are having troubles or there is worry and stress in your life, you must deal with it in that moment. Indecision and avoiding the problem will only create more stress and problems. The body is always in the present time and is always reflecting what’s going in the present moment. If you are stressed in the present moment and if you decide to ignore it, consequently, you are ignoring the body and its signal to release the cause of the stress.
2. Be yourself, when you are trying to be someone else, for example trying to be a person that your boss wants you to be or changing your behavior to please someone. It changes your vibration and you start using someone else’s information in your body and that can cause stress in the cellular level.
3. Meditation: Create time for yourself everyday even if it’s only for 30 minutes. Creating a sanctuary space for yourself where you can give to yourself can reduce stress from your day. Meditation will help you release and find stillness within.
4. Avoid making excuses. Blaming other people or circumstance doesn’t help. Don’t play the “I am a victim” game. Take responsibility for your own actions.
5. Move the body. Small walks in the park, a yoga class, a jog or any physical activity will help you release stress from the body.
6. Slow down. Notice how fast you walk and slow down. Notice how fast you eat and slow down. Notice how fast you talk and slow down. Literally, slow your pace and you will notice less pressure and stress.
7. Don’t take things personally.

random thought

2009-09-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

Very often we speak of our day as either negative or positive. I am having a good day or I am having a bad day. I remember visiting a friend's mom when I saw a magnet on the fridge about mom's mood "Mom is in a good mood or a bad mood" I was amused. I had never seen anything like it before.
As a mother, I know that there are moment in a day that can make us frustrated, perhaps angry and tired and very often we allow those few moments define our day and our mood. Now my day is ruined.

My favorite quote from my daughter today was "mommy, you are very silly" I loved it, it meant I let go off all my work, responsibilities, demands and I was having fun. I was playing. My day is just beginning, I am sure I will have moments of hardship and frustrations and I will have moments of ease and joy.

Today, find a peaceful moment and think of the time when you felt good, think of the moment when you felt joyful. After all, a day is not just one moment, it's a combination of different experiences. Which experience is important to you?

Amusement

2009-09-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

I have a small business, I write, I take care of my child and try to have a social life and in between everything I like to slow down and give to myself. The point is I am busy all the time. Perhaps even too busy:)
One of the things that used to define "me" was me being a hard worker. I loved the drama, loved the fact that I could brag about how much I work and how stressful it was. Being a hard working woman was how I saw myself.
Today, I was called being lazy and for the first time in my life, it didn't affect me at all. As a matter of fact, I was amused. My self image is very different now, I create from easy and validation, there is no room in my universe for stress and others' drama.
Simply amusement and laughter.

Breath

2009-07-16T12:32:00.001-07:00

As I write this article, my daughter is asleep, I am alone without any sounds in the house besides her breathing. I am trying to write but my mind keeps taking me to her breathing and I find it so comforting and calming. Part of me simply want to walk away from the computer and dive into the sounds of breath.
I am back an hour later and don't even remember what I wanted to write. It was incredible to walk away from the computer, writing, emailing, twittering, facebooking all the same time and listen to the soft, rhythmic breath of a child. I couldn't help but be in an awe, I was aware of the miracle of life. Sometimes, I still can't believe that we are able to create such an incredible miracle as life.
So I sat there, closed my eyes, went within and listened. Children come into our lives and show us that everything is possible, they bring joy, enthusiasm about life and they remind us by their presence that life is about play, laughter, communication and fun.
As adults, we make things complicated and hard, sometimes, we take things seriously and personally. As I sat there, listening to my daughters soft breathing, I kept thinking about how I have been raised to be an adult all the time, to be responsible all the time, to be serious all the time. In my culture, people even get rewarded for being serious. I started smiling, the breath kept bringing me to the present and I enjoyed the moment, nothing else. Just that moment of silence and stillness. At that point nothing mattered but the present. Just breathing.

Permission

2009-07-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

My 2 year old already knows the roads and when you are approaching home. Of course about 3 blocks away from home, she started screaming "no home" even though we just spent about 4 hours outdoors having fun.
As we approached, screaming got louder and louder. I have to say, I was very neutral that whole time, it was one of the few times that it didn't bother me, I didn't care what my neighbor are going to say or think. I simply was present and I was allowing my daughter to express her frustration.

It was really funny to see her follow my directions with cry and occasional scream. As we got to the elevator, the only thought in my head was "You are full of S**T little one"
I was very aware of her control tactic and I started laughing. As I laughed, she started laughing and our 2 minute ride in the elevator turned from a frustrated child to a happy child.

I believe it's the permission to express that children need very often. As parents, we can allow them to be without giving them control.

random notes

2009-07-03T15:17:00.001-07:00

Close you eyes. Imagine being little, having a little body and living in the world of "giants" and imagine being told what to do or what not to do all day long. Yes, children need order, boundaries and schedule but they don't like being told what to do all day long. Remind yourself that even though your children have small bodies, they have big spirits and big personalities that needs to be recognized.

I remember as child being told to say "thank you", "you are welcome", "Please" all the time and I also remember resisting it. I didn't like saying these words. I never wanted to say "thank you" not because I wasn't thankful because of the pressure that was placed upon me as a child. As a mother now, I start remembering many things about my own childhood and recently I realized that when my mother asked me to do something, she never said "please" or
" will you" or "you are welcome" but I was expected to say it. No wonder I resistant.
Today, I don't tell my daughter what to say. I show her by example. I thank others for sharing a toy, I say please when I want my daughter to do something etc.

We teach by example, we don't teach by simply saying the right words.

Parenting from joy

2009-06-13T10:46:00.001-07:00

I was talking to a friend of mine who is absolutely obsessed about organic foods, chemicals and doing everything right. I am also mindful of type of foods I put into my body and of course type of food my child is eating but her obsession was beyond food, she wanted to do everything perfectly. She would ask me as an intuitive if her daughter is OK? Is she having a good time? Is she healthy enough? Does she think I am a good mother? This was creating stress in her life, her obsession to do everything perfectly was making her tired and unhappy.
The amusing thing was that her daughter was fine and she was having a great time. My friend at the other hand had forgotten to look within and listen to herself, she was constantly relying what books say, what pediatrician says, what other people had to say etc. She was looking outside of herself to find answers. Her goal was to create a joyful life for her family full of laughter and exploration while within she was frustrated.
In order to find joy and parent from a space of joy, you need to find it within yourself. First step is start looking within, you have all your answers, we all have an innate knowledge of how to be a mother, a father, an aunt etc and it is beyond books. It lays within you waiting to be discovered.
Parenting from joy starts within, we parent from example. You may say the words, the right things to your child but if you are not following what you preach, no one will. Start by looking within and allow your light to shine, find your joy about life, about being a parent. Allow your intuition to open and trust what you know.

"Ultimate success comes from experiencing and listening to our hearts, our environment, our spirits, and those that we trust are saying to us. Freedom from what others dictate is right and wrong and their opinion on what works and what doesn't gives us wings to fly and experience life in a whole new way."

Mallika Chopra

Trusting your intuition

2009-06-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

We tend to think that we live in civilized culture, we have computers,TVs, beautiful homes, a job, manners, activities that we tend to etc. We also tend to think of indigenous cultures as primitive cultures. But when it comes to parenting, indigenous cultures seem to know all about it, while in the civilized culture, many mothers and parents are struggling or tend to think of parenting as hard.
Jean Liedloff in her book "The continuum concept" paints a beautiful picture of Yequana tribe, their parenting. One of the things she notices when she was living amongst them, that their children didn't seem to have colic, they were very content and happy, they never threw temper tantrums. She observed the culture and mother-child relationship. Yequana children are never left alone, they are always with the mother or with other members of tribe, they are never left to cry. An infant in this tribe knows he is welcome, he knows his mothers warmth and presence.
I have an opportunity to be in the playgrounds with my daughter and I watch moms and dads chasing their children "Don't go far, I need to see you", "watch out, you will fall" etc and I can't help but think about the Jean Liedloff's book. She writes "A Yequana tot would not dream of straying from him mother on a forest trail, for she does not look behind to see whether he is following, she does not suggest that there is another choice to be made, or that it is her job to keep them together; she only slows her pace to one he can maintain. If he falls, her manner shows him that she is both businesslike and patient if ever she has to wait for him. It suggests that she knows that he will not take any more time that is gracefully necessary before they can continue their way. There is nothing of the judge in her".
I am aware that we live in a different society and we need to approach parenting from a different perspective. I believe that the difference between western and "uncivilized" cultures is the trust in intuition. They trust their intuition and instincts in parenting, in hunting, in survival etc. They don't have books, magazines to tell them how to parent and yet, children seem to be happy, content and psychologically healthy.
As I always say, trust your instincts and intuition. You know how to handle your child, you only need to trust your inner voice.

Inspiration

2009-05-31T10:55:00.001-07:00

If someone told me 5 year ago that I will have my own successful business, that I will be writing and enjoying motherhood, I would have told them that they are insane. Motherhood? no way. Writing? Are you kidding me? I can barely speak English:) Business? I don't have the capacity. That's what I would have told them.
Now, I am a mother of a 2 year old, I run a successful business and I love writing about joy of parenting, children and what it's like to be a clairvoyant parent.
After the birth of my daughter, I was inspired. I was inspired by her presence, I was inspired by the miracle of birth and life. I started doing things I feared. I quit my secure job, I started a business doing the thing I loved the most, I started teaching and enjoying life. Fear followed me around and I found it in every corner of the street but I released it each time I noticed it. I kept being inspired by children and their amazing capacity of doing things with no effort. They just simply don't have the concept of limits and impossibility.
From the moment of inspiration I learned about passion and doing the things with absolute passion and ease.

Be inspired by your children and their wisdom. As my daughter says " Don't worry mommy"

Play

2009-05-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

Kids experience, discover, destroy through play and wonder. From the moment, my daughter opens her eyes in the morning, she is playing, singing, laughing, dancing, screaming, destroying, breaking....
It's amazing to see the energy and the enthusiasm children have about life, about their body, about exploration and being alive. By their presence, very often they teach us to laugh more, they teach us to stop taking things so seriously and remind us about play and creativity.
By the time I was 16 year old, I was told that I can't play any more because I need to be responsible and serious, I need to be an adult. In the present day, I get accuses of being "silly", "childish", "you never learned to take life seriously", "you never grew up".

As we become parents, we are also becoming children, we are remembering the power of play and wonder and imagination. As parents,we are learning to step away from the responsibilities for a while and be present and play. Through our children, we are healing ourselves. Children inspire us everyday by their presence in our lives. They don't have a concept of future, fear, doubt, responsibility and all that adult stuff. They use their imagination, they believe in miracles, they create miracles everyday. There are no limits in their universe.
Become inspired by your children and remember your unlimited power of playfulness and creativity.

Wisdom of a child

2009-05-26T09:57:00.001-07:00

The greatest conversation I had today was with a 4 year old. She mentioned that she wants to be a monster doctor and heal all the monsters. When I asked her about the monsters, she grew excited and proceeded to tell me more about them and how some of them are angels, some of them are stuck and some of them are her friends and playmates. I validated her and spoke about the monsters and said hello to them.
As parent, do you listen to your child? They see more than most adults and they know things. Even though, children have small bodies (sometimes we tend to think, that they don't know anything because they don't have the experience), they have big spirits. As a spirit, a child has tremendous amount of information, experiences and intelligence.
Slow down, listen to your child. You might learn something.

Overwhelm

2009-05-07T11:17:00.000-07:00

Being a parent is the most amazing, exciting, adventurous, spiritual experience of all but meantime, it can be overwhelming from time to time. It is a mistake to think that if you are a stay home mom, it means you have all the time in the world, that your job is not important. Being a mom is undervalued in our society. Sometimes, parents don’t get a lot of validation from the world around us; sometimes we forget how challenging the job of parenting can be. We are expected to be busy, to give ourselves away, to give our attention away and to have “important” things to do. Overwhelm in our lives is the attempt to do everything and do everything perfectly. As mothers, we are taking on the household responsibilities, we nurture, we give, we problem solve for others and as a result, we become scattered. Our energy becomes scattered and when as a spiritual being we are not present in the body, we get tired; we get stresses, overwhelmed by the responsibilities and our children’s constant demand for attention and stimulation. If a mom spends all the day with children, she is deprived of adult stimulation and she really needs intellectual, emotional support from others. I know many moms do it but I will mention it anyways. Creating a mom playgroup or going for a walk in the park with other moms is a wonderful way of creating space to interact with other adults and meantime, give your children space to play together. It will help you create a little separation between you and your child and it gives both sides a space to be, to grow. As a parent, it will give you the space to step away from the role of “being a mommy” and be yourself.

When you are notice how overwhelmed you are, create few minutes for yourself to relax. Find a comfortable chair, sit and notice your breath. Start bringing your awareness to your body and notice where in your body you keep all the tightness and uneasiness. Now imagine connecting the base of your spine to the center of the planet with a line of energy. I call this being grounded. Imagine all the demand, stress and overwhelm leave your space, release it and be PRESENT with your body. Stay present and open to whatever miracles the day will bring to you.

what is spirituality and spiritual parenting?

2009-04-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

Before we touch the subject of parenting, children and spiritual parenting, it's best to look at the concept of spirituality. There are many seminars, books, practices teaching us about spirituality and how to become a spiritual person. Of course, this is not a problem but I don't see spirituality as something you need to attain, you already are a spiritual being. You don't have to go, be or do something to become one. It is how much you are aware of your spiritual nature and your spiritual abilities. Yes, you are a spiritual being and you are also a physical being. Spirituality begins with self-understanding in many different levels and self-awareness. Spirituality is the art of knowing yourself as a spirit, knowing your body, your mind, your breath...

As Pandit Rajmani Tigunait says "Spirituality begins and ends with self-transformation" You don't have to do something to become a spiritual parent, spiritual human being, you already ARE. You are in the place of learning to be in touch with yourself, with your body, to access your truth, your certainty, your spiritual information.

Spiritual parenting starts when you know yourself, you know your place in the universe, you know your truth, you have your certainty and your answers, you know your spiritual information. Spiritual parenting is being present, being calm and certain around your child. It's parenting from the space of being grounded and being calm. When you are present as a parent, you create a safe space for you and your child. Because you are grounded and present, you know what your child needs both physically and spiritually. Being present creates a safe environment to parent from.
Spiritual parenting is your ability to see your child as a spiritual being, it's your ability to foster that for them, to create an environment where they can grow, express, wonder and imagine.

Seriousness vs. Playfullness

2009-02-27T15:18:00.000-08:00

Over the years, I have observed people and their behavior in social settings. I enjoyed going for interviews and see what kind of questions they are going to ask me. I never knew how to prepare myself for an interview and how to “sell” myself during the interview. One thing that I noticed is that you are expected to be serious. I remember once I mentioned to the interviewer that I really liked the position and I have a good time doing the job (which I did for the past 7 years without telling anyone). He looked me and asked how I felt about stress and how I am planning to handle it. What stress? I was just talking about enjoying the job. You don’t have to guess. I didn’t get the job. I wasn’t “serious” enough about it. One of my favorite comments from someone I knew in college was “I thought you would be a serious person by now”. I had to disappoint her. The fact is, I haven’t become a serious person with “serious” problems, with a “serious” job etc. I am just having a pretty good time. I do something that I love and enjoy, I play with my family and friends and I can’t wait to see what other surprises life can bring to me.

In this society, people are rewarded for be serious, overworked, busy while being playful, enjoying the job is very often suspicious. When you step out of seriousness, you will start seeing that you don’t have to run after the things you want, you don’t have to create with effort; you don’t have to compete with someone else for the things you want. You may even enjoy your life as you learn to approach life with ease, joy and playfulness; you will realize that there are very few problems in your life, if any at all. Life stops becoming a burden and it becomes an opportunity to create, to express and to experience the things you want.

Imagine a day when you are not affected by what TV says about economy, you are not affected by fear and worry, politics, other people’s problems or what they think of you. You can simply be aware of it without allowing it to affect you.
Imagine a day when you can create your own reality with playfulness, joy and ease.

So go out there and have a good time. Look around. Notice the birds, notice the sky, the trees, notice your breath, and notice the things you have created in your life. You are alive!!! Enjoy and go through life as child. Be present. Play. Create. Appreciate.

Stress

2008-11-13T09:14:00.000-08:00

We live in a where society where everyone wants our attention, our "to do" lists are endless, we are consumed by responsibilites, competition, demand and this list can go on.

In a 2001 survey of Americans—who are putting in an extra 40 hours per year compared to 10 years prior, nearly half described their office environment as "most like a real life survivor program." And according to the World Health Organization, work-related stress, anxiety and depression will become the leading cause of disability in the next 20 years.

We stress about money, work,deadlines, household responsibilites, relationships, economy... you can finish this sentence. The questions becomes how to release the stress. The very first step towards releasing stress is slowing down, sitting and going within. It is the realization that the stress is not outside of ourselves, the cause is within. When we deny a part of ourselves, it creates stress within. Part of the solution is to look at ourselves as a whole being. We are not just a physical body, we are also spiritual beings, mental beings, emotional being, intellectual beings. It is the recognition of all that will create wellness within.

Take a 5 minute break away from 'life', go within and listen to yourself, listen to your intuition. You have all your answers within, now let's learn how to access our own information.
Imagine connecting the base of your spine to the center of the planet with a line of energy. Imagine being connected to the planet, being grounded to the planet and being present in the moment. Now notice the effect it has on your body.

Irina G.

Control

2008-09-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

As I allow my child to experience and explore the world around her, I also enjoy watching the world me and other parents. Playground is my school. I enjoy watching the interaction between the parents and the children as well as between the children. It's a miracle space.

My 19 month old daughter went to a boy and took his car. He didn't mind at all and as a matter of fact, he was enjoying the interaction and the communication from Kayla when his mom ran to Kayla, took the toy from her hand and gave it back to her child. It was very interesting for me to watch that from a space of neutrality. None of the children said anything but their communication was interrupted.

This brings up a topic that I talk about very often. Control. Many parents try to control everything, including their children and their surrounding. Looking at that event in the playground clairvoyantly, I see that this control energy doesn't allow the child to have SPACE. Space to create, to communicate, to destroy. As I write this, I remember a book about the indigenous people in South America and how they raise their children. They have full trust in their child, they allow the child to explore without any fear and I quote they don't have a concept of a "bad child", whatever child does is accepted as the act of a "right"creature.

I think, we are learning as parents, as human beings to stop trying to control everything and everyone around us. We are learning the concept of space and children teach us about space every day. Are you listening to your child?