another thought about tantrums

I ask my clients how they handle their child's tantrum and it inspired me to write more about it. It is a charged topic, I know many parents who turn into books in search of answers. Don't get me wrong, I love books, there so many incredible books written about parenting but one thing you can't find in the books is your unique answer. There isn't a universal formula that we can apply to each child and family. The beauty and mystery is that each family is so unique and each child is unique and each child brings a different perspective into this world and into their family. So how do we approach a tantrum and stop it? The answer lies within each one of us as parents.

Let's start from the beginning. What is a tantrum and why is it so bad? I personally don't think there is nothing wrong with throwing a tantrum. We label it as a bad behavior and usually when we talk about tantrum, we mean children as if adults never throw them. I think adults throw more tantrums than children, it's just expressed differently. Perhaps, there is something wrong in the child's universe and there is a need to be frustrated and there is a need to express. Unlike adults, children are very present and they are very open. If they are happy, they express it through play, if they are unhappy, they scream as loud as they can, if something bothers them, they throw tantrums. If a tantrum is in public, it's even worse because now a parent is dealing with public's judgment (good or bad). If a parent trying to force strong values and belief systems on a child, usually these children throw more tantrum, it's their way of resisting it. Jean Leidloff observed natives in South America and one thing she noticed right away that their children don't throw tantrum, they seem to be very happy children. After living there for a while, she noticed that they also allow their children to be who they are without changing anything about them. They recognize the uniqueness of each child's spirit and allow a child to develop his/her own sense of reality, understand the values in their own unique way. Strong values means no change, it means this is how it is. No movement. It tells children what is good and what is bad. It's space of no change. Meantime, children and childhood is a dynamic space. Childhood is a ever-changing event. Child is different from last week, every new parent knows that. They change so fast and by the time, we catch up to them and know what they like, they change again. So, to be a parent, it requires you to be present, be willing to be flexible, to look within, to learn and respond to your child differently each time she/he changes. Parenthood is really about change, openness, flexibility and expansion of our universe.

In order to deal with a tantrum, you must be present and know your child. Is she throwing a tantrum to control or is there really something that needs to be addressed right now?. Imagine a tantrum as a space where your child has lost himself/herself. Sometimes, the best way to deal with it, is allow your child to be there and give them space to find themselves, sometimes, it requires to hold them, sometimes, it's best to make a play out of it. I find that when I make a play out of her tantrum, it's simply goes away and now we are playing. Play is what children do and love, because play has no outcome, it just simply is. Play is being present, play doesn't lead to anything, play is imagination and wonder, play has no judgment. Play is an ongoing process of experience and discovery.

To deal with tantrums, we should deal with them from the space of play. Approaching parenting as play will release us from cultural and family expectations, it will release us from predetermined values and pressures of the society.